flowers in the attic

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

i'm sorry if my entries are sounding emo, but then again no, i'm not sorry. i think i feel too much, i'm too fucking nostalgic, too fucking sentimental. if i could trade every ounce of nostalgia for a coin, i could be a millionare. why can't i leave someplace without a piece of myself left behind, why can't i leave somewhere not feeling like shit, not feeling torn apart? it's so goddamn stupid to think about the future and not treasure the present, be happy right now when i'm still here but.............t'is always the way i've been and it feels so bad each time. it's damn funny because i had a nightmare, i witnessed someone ran over by the mrt train, heard the sound of train over body, the screams and gasps and felt the crunch and bawled my eyes out; at the sametimes feeling so damn helpless and miserable. has it got to be a premonition of sorts, or what. and then, and then, that whirlwind of emotions, the hiding and concealing, the every piece backing away for each piece that desires, the not going forward because of considerations for the future...... i want to say screw the future and just live in the present, but no, damn it. i'm too scared to move forward, too comfortable in this comfort zone, too awkward, and i feel too damn much. and at the end of it all there's that disappointment with self, the endless questions and fundamental flaws. but if there's one thing about me at all, it's that i always see the silver lining, the ability to convince myself to look at the glass as half full, the quick getting back to nomalcy, the sunshine after the rain. i know i'll get right, and all by myself.

i hate writing abstractly, the only person that will ever understand is probably myself, and it defeats any purpose at all i know, but this is the only way i can ever vent any emotions on a public forum at all. so live with it - not so much you, but me.

i've been secretly falling apart/
aqualung's strange and beautiful

❤ enhui, 2:34 PM 2 comments