flowers in the attic

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

this morning i woke up and was awashed in nostalgia. i think i write better when i think nobody's reading!

29th October 2007 -

"it's funny (sad?) how when loneliness beckons, in the still of the night, the tech-savvy individual of the 21st century turns on the laptop and connect to the internet. maybe somehow, by seeing the dozens of other individuals out there logged on to MSN at the same time, gives some sort of peace, lulling you into some false sense of tranquility; that hey, it's not that bad, i'm not all that sad, there's all these people out there also online at this time, interacting with others via a screen of words.

almost nothing can be comparable to that state of entering-into-loneliness; when all has been said and done, and in the quiet of the night all alone, there is no sense of connection to any other individual out there. it's just me, myself and the music. i'm playing a tug-of-war with myself right now, and that's the hardest sort of tug-of-war. i think back, i reminisce, i analyse, i question, i wonder-should i or should i not? was there or was there not? and yet again, despite the whirlwind going on in my mind, my physical state is in inertia, i stay put at my comfort zone; and despite the whirlwind going on in my head, i know i'll not do anything."

5th November 2007 -

"i feel like it's as if i really only lived life this second year of my uni life. granted, i did participate in co-curricular activities last year too.... but perhaps i was a tad too naive, a tad too fresh-faced undergrad, a tad too innocent, a tad too optimistic then. it's like all the assumptions, all the first-year enthusiasm have washed away, leaving behind only what is mellow and usable and calm and knowable.

and yet again, another sem is coming to an end; exams are in less than 2 weeks time, and yet again, time flashed its triumph card at us, saying 'ha, i bet you didn't realise i caught up so fast, did you.' we were buried under piles of books and activities and friends and nights out and fun that when we finally emerge to take a breather we realise the miles we have already trekked, and there's no turning back, there's no turning back.

on one hand i kind of can't wait to start work-think financial independence and being able to expand my energy on work (since i'm such a workaholic, i swear i'll be), meeting new people, interesting people, network, gala dinners, meeting important people, clicking of champagne glasses and high heels; and on the other hand, i know the only thing i'll ever miss right into my adulthood would be life as a student, yes there's exams and project deadlines to rush, but oh, what can ever be compared to that carefree life of a student, the schoolgirl giggles and canteen eye-candies and lunchtime-deciding can A or can 2? and late-nights without a care or taking a day off without needing to explain to anyone?"

15th November 2007 -

"i don't even know what this is, and all i want is to get back my power of feminity. or maybe it's karma? i always say it's karma; attribute all the bad things that are going on in my life right now to karma but. karma can only go so far. i'm sure there must have been stuff that i'm not doing or doing differently from the past that explains my current situation; but i have no idea at all what stuff, i have lost all ability to analyse and think deep since about seveteen thousand years ago.

and of course, not to forget my being really fat and pudgy right now. it's all the latenight supper and comfort food i swear. food is like the only other enjoyment i can get while mugging late into the wee hours of the night. and so i feel really unattractive and it's like i really don't feel like a girl, a pretty girl at all anymore. though this morning i woke up and was surprised to see myself in the mirror, haven't seen that girl for so long.

when you're Chinese, and you're pretty and you're a girl..... you're only - so common. pretty Chinese girls are like... everywhere. ubiquitious.

but, i don't mind being common. i have never minded. i have never wanted to stand out, be special at all anyway. there's a sense of comfort and fulfilment being normal too, you know.

....we have all settled down to a rhythm of sorts and stuck in our own little comfort corners and we're all lazy to budge, aren't we all?"

❤ enhui, 11:09 AM 0 comments