flowers in the attic

Saturday, November 28, 2009

what if, your future turns out vastly from what you have expected it to be? that instead of marrying the man/woman you thought you would in 5 years time you would be traveling and seeing the world with an aspiring writer/filmmaker/songwriter/actor/dancer with nothing more than a backpack on your bag and a few dollars and cents in your pocket?

it hit me last night, the epiphany that hey, my future is in my hands. that for the past 20 years i've been constrained in the education system trying to get my degree but come next May, that will be the start of my life, whatever and however i want it to be. it is mind boggling when i realise that i am standing at the crossroads of my life and the endless possibilities that can happen. i can totally choose what i want to be/ where i want to go/ what i want to be.

i remember Kwok telling me how he wanted to lead the vagrant life after graduation and last night i have another friend, SY telling me how he wants to lead the vagabond life and how we only live once and i'm like, yeah. and it's funny that today again with F and D at Macs we were on the exact same topic.

i'm only young once and i know i hate office jobs - the 6 months of internship this year (seriously detested it. worst 6 months of my life!!!!) has seriously killed any interest i had in PR or worklife in general in Singapore. i don't wanna waste my life away spent deskbound 9-5 in an office. and like i always say, we're going to live up to 70 to 80 years and spending more than half of our lives working, and i don't see the point of slogging my guts out so early.

i don't know, the future just scares the hell out of me. is money of paramount importance that it overrides everything else? sure, it is a practical concern alright. but instead of settling down into a full time job that eats my life away earning the money just so to get married, have 2 kids and have a HDB flat and start the whole cycle, perhaps i should go out and do something different, huh?

i know this quote has been overused and perhaps quite cliche, but it still speaks to me everytime-
"Life should not be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO what a ride."
i've no intentions of climbing that corporate ladder, i have no intentions to lead the ordinary life that we are expected to lead. graduation is closing on us so quick and i've not given much thought to it what with exams and FYP - i have not sent out any resumes; heck i've not even done up my resume nice and pretty. and to be honest i don't really give two hoots about it, call me unambitious or not farsighted or too slack for my own good but i don't believe that life is all about working. frankly i will be glad if i can't find a job for a few months after i graduate. if i got the ability i'll be glad to do some freelance work, just to tide me over for awhile. i'm just a hedonist through and through.

happiness or satisfaction does not need to equal to earning money and owning a few properties or having an expensive car. i rather be broke and happy seeing the world and not be stuck in this little red dot and end up like my parents, as much as i love them; i don't want to be only seeing the world through TV or in movies. and who says we need alot of money to travel? like what this website (thanks to SY) says, the idea that traveling is expensive is just a myth perpetuated by corporate media.

but after all's been said and done, my deepest fear is that at the end of the day, i'll be forced to lead the life that i desperately do not want to, that i'll just end up like the average, typical Singaporean, because i did not have the guts to try.

❤ enhui, 4:49 AM 2 comments